Recent events have made it clear that every United States president from now on is going to be put under a microscope, and if s/he deviates in the slightest bit from the unobtainable ideal of the Perfectly Plastic President, s/he is going to be impeached. This will constitute a huge expenditure of time and resources, and since the American political system has already been so finely tuned over the past thirty five years as to produce the least qualified persons available, this automatic investigation and impeachment process cannot really achieve much, if any, further progress in that area, especially not enough to justify its cost.

Therefore, I have been thinking heavily for some time now on how to obviate the need for future cycles of expensive and wasteful investigation and impeachment.

Now such cycles could easily and quickly be obviated in the manner of certain ancient Celtic tribes by simply electing a king who must be perfect and unblemished in all ways, with the understanding that any deviation from perfection will cause the people to instantly turn on the king and tear him into small bloody pieces (thus making way for a new election). Some people might object that such a method would be barbaric and inhumane, but this is patent nonsense, since all American presidents already undergo far worse treatment at the hands of their opponents before election, and at those of the press, after. No, I discarded this idea out of hand on the much more cogent grounds that it would be against tradition for the United States to have a king.

Having further discarded as unworkable or outright harmful such foolish notions as the public financing of all election campaigns; the creation of a powerful centrist party to take the place occupied by both supposedly diametrically opposed existing parties; requiring, in order to ensure Fairness, Competence, and Lack of Bias, that the justice department and various other civil service positions be headed by persons appointed by the previous government in power; the thought that it might be good to allow only those who themselves are above reproach of any kind to reproach their political opponents; and many other similar ideas besides, I finally hit upon the perfect means by which the United States can achieve, with a single simple constitutional amendment, a complete and total elimination of all sexual scandal from their governmental system. I have examined this idea from all its possible angles, and find that it has few faults, low cost, and many great benefits, not only political but also economic and social.

I propose that an amendment to the constitution be made which will provide that only those United States citizens who can undeniably certify that they have worn an iron chastity belt continuously from the moment of their birth (except for brief periods in the private company of their legal spouse or domestic partner), shall be allowed to stand for the elected office of President.

Now becoming president is the legitimate and rightful dream of all American children, so in order to effect this policy it will be necessary to cause all infants, male and female, born in America to be placed into a chastity belt as they emerge from their mother's womb. The keys shall be in the safekeeping of the electoral college, which shall turn them over to the spouse or partner on the day of joining, on whom the responsibility of keeping the belt locked when the contents are not in legitimate use shall devolve. In order to preserve the freedom and equality which America holds so dear for all its citizens, it will be necessary to decree that anyone who does not wear such a belt from cradle to grave will be subject to fine, imprisonment, or (in Texas) death. Otherwise those without political ambitions would possess an unfair and undemocratic advantage.

I have been assured by an Arabic Sheik of my acquaintance that such iron chastity belts can be made comfortable and sanitary, with allowance for all bodily processes, while still safely preventing any sexual ingress or egress of any kind from either direction, for a quite affordable price.

A 128 bit encrypted electronic lock would foil any illegitimate attempts to open the belt, and an onboard microchip would keep track of all times and durations of unlocking. Thus, an American who wishes to run for office would simply present affidavits from her/his spouse, doctor, and so on, accounting legitimately for each and every unlocking to the electoral college, and instantly be qualified.

Doctors certified by the electoral college to have been purged in medical school of all traces of human feelings, passions, and weaknesses will inspect and repair the belts from time to time, as necessary, to ensure against infection or impairment of sexual functioning and to refit them as the wearer's size changes. These doctors, and the belts themselves, will be paid for by the state, so as to ensure that no one is denied a chance to become president because of inability to afford a physician.

Now the advantages of this proposal go far beyond the political. Sexually transmitted disease will be all but eliminated, and rates of gynecological and andropological diseases will be drastically reduced (thanks to the regular inspections of the federally funded doctors). The court dockets will be cleared of innumerable sexual harassment, patrimony, and divorce proceedings. Rape, child molestation, and other sexual crimes will be almost completely eliminated, and the presence of an exact record in one's chastity belt of exactly when it was removed and put back on will make convictions for such crimes much easier. And matrimony (or at least committed partnership) will enjoy a resurgence of popularity. Family values will be promoted, and many vile and unspeakable practices committed upon innocent cigars will be all but wiped out.

When I consider the enormous benefits to be derived from this proposal, I cannot help but think that it should be implemented immediately. The amendment would require that all American citizens of any age be fitted with a belt within twelve months of its ratification into law. While it would at first constitute a sudden and radical shift in lifestyle, a people who have survived the rigors of the frontier and endured countless hours of live Simpson trial coverage could easily accustom themselves to such changes without undue hardship.

And since America's elected officials would all be eager to prove to their constituents that they do not fear to wear an iron chastity belt themselves, they could set an example for the nation to follow by being the first to wear such belts, even before the amendment is ratified.